I had wanted to go too. But I didn’t. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand up that long. And I want to go to a later service; I probably won’t. I just don't have a church anymore. No matter where I go, or what I do, Satan just won’t be happy until I’m so over it I won’t even try anymore. I am pretty much there now.
So I’ll go in the house in a little while and play my keyboard for Him; I think He likes that. It is genuine, from my heart, and personal.
I do miss the social interaction you get from church, but not all the drama, not all the rules. Where can you really go where people just go to worship?! That’s what I want. No one checking to see if I’m dressed right, bringing the right amount of money, or sitting in the right seat. Where are those “like-minded people of one accord” like there were in Acts? That’s what I’m talking about. No clicks or special interest groups, no “you have to go here.” Just people who are glad to see each other because they know they all want the same thing: to worship God together; that’s their focus. Not bringing in money or food or visitors, no quotas to make. Just genuine, from the heart worshipping of God in song and prayer, with the very act of fellowshipping with other like-minded God Lovers be a form of worship too.
Do I ask too much? Am I doomed to be alone with God and never know what it’s like to truly worship with others?
All I ever wanted to do was worship and use what talents He has given me to make Him smile.
At BBC:
- I was accused of teaching VBS kids to use the dreaded Hemp, which most churches use to make bracelets. Not at BBC; I must be the subversive, how dare I come up with a good craft like that?! Teaching about marijuana?!!
- I wanted to direct the choir and help those few pathetic wailing volunteers become something they’d be proud to be part of instead of embarrassed about, and that God would surely smile upon. No, I didn’t have the right paperwork to qualify me to wave my arms around like a director.
- The newsletter that I’d published for 7 years was taken away with public humiliation at a business meeting one night, with no prior warning before or after that I’d done anything wrong.
- The list goes on and on…
- I worked 3 years on their history book; research and editing, almost single-handedly. I secured a publisher and when I called to see if the books were ready for pickup, was told “someone else had gotten them.” No word from a soul…it was snatched away in a heartbeat without 1 thank you.
- I cannot go to a church where people will look right at you and pretend you don’t exist. Really happened.
- I attended regularly for about 7 years only to find that when we had surgery no one knew or even cared to find out why we were missing church; even the preacher didn’t tell them. Apparently we weren’t in the right “click.” Not one card.
- Though small in number it was warm and welcoming. We were told we were an answer to prayer. But you HAVE to be a member to even play the piano. That’s when we learned they didn’t believe God can forgive anyone who may say He is not real at some point in their flawed life. What a load! Who among us small ant-like creatures can tell God or limit God about what He can or can’t do?!!! The Bible says God doesn’t lie and we’re told over and over that all you have to do is believe on Him. It doesn’t say when, where, or how long. I have to believe He forgives. He says so.
And at Cedar Road:
- I loved working there as the pastor’s secretary. I loved the energy of the Sunday services and the common value among the people who came to really WORSHIP. Alas, I went to work on a Wednesday and in 15 minutes was told I was being let go, assured it was “through no fault” and that they’d call me back. RIGHT. It’s been over a year and I feel that they knowingly lied to me. It’s done something terrible, like the straw that broke the camel’s back, to me that I haven’ been able to shake.
I can say Happy Easter anyway, because Christ took all my sins upon Himself that day on the cross. And I firmly believe He rose again and lives today. I talk to Him all the time. He’s my BFF. Me saying Happy Easter to you is my confession of belief. I couldn’t say it unless I knew it to be true.
Happy Easter to all who read this!
HERE’S THE UPDATE: Danny and I went to BBC this morning. Satan did his best right up until we walked out the house, but we made it. We went for several reasons: 1) I miss church so bad, 2) We wanted to see if anything has changed, 3) We need to see “like-minded” people again. It was good. We got lots of hugs and welcomes. It has changed. The energy was more alive than I’ve seen it in a long time. There were many new faces indicative of a growing church. It was a good sermon and a good choir with 15 singers. Upgrades are apparent in various levels. I saw the front table surrounded by lilies, and with its gleaming white cloth and remembered I haven’t participated in Communion since a year ago December. Greg was especially nice, coming up to us more than once to speak with us. He told me twice to be sure and tell ALL my family he said hello. I had several emotional moments during and after the service.
The bottom line is that we all make mistakes and as Christians we need to “forgive those who trespass against us.” Not always easy. I had a couple of uncomfortable moments but those, I’m working on. When I stop and think back I try to see through others’ eyes. Everybody changes too. I’m not the same, they are not the same. So I guess we forgive, move on, and know that “everything works together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes. How do we know when we are being tested? How can we move forward if we dwell in the past? How can we become more Christ-like if we refuse to let Him have His way? I hope in the coming weeks and months to discover some answers, to draw closer to Him, and let go so He can take hold.
