I think I failed an important test the other week. Something happened and I pretty much considered it a catastrophe at the time. I was embarrassed and humiliated by the event. Then I over-reacted and flipped out, taking aim at the people I felt had caused it. They definitely knew I was upset.
My reaction, although some might call it understandable given what happened, was not what a Christian should do. In that I failed. I could have simply acknowledged what was done and that it was not intentional on anyone's part. I did forgive the people involved and I know they did what they thought was right at the time and had never meant to hurt me.
Within moments of my reaction I felt so bad about my response that it brought me to tears. It was no longer about what had been done towards me or by whom. It was my reaction that broke me. After venting my experience to a kind person who let me share, I went off by myself and cried and prayed for God's forgiveness for my own behavior. I know He forgave me because it's promised in His Word. After finally reaching a place of calmness I went back to those I'd railed against and apologized for being so awful. They graciously accepted my apology and we moved past that moment in time.
But I've not truly been able to move on because of guilt for my actions. It's been stuck in my heart for having responded in such a quick and callous manner. It doesn't matter about what caused it. What matters is how I reacted.
It's hard to stop yourself during a difficult moment and remember to not react quickly. It's especially hard to take the time to think before you speak when you feel that you are right and justified. But that's exactly what is needed - to stop in the moment, think through the details of what's really important, and remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of a tirade; then pray to ask for God's guidance and wisdom to handle things. Only after doing all of these can you calmly respond.
I've come to an understanding that this could have been a test designed to challenge me and my reaction to things outside my control. I didn't do so good this time. Acknowledging this is helping me release the guilt. And release has to be chosen because I can't change what happened; I can only accept how it played out and learn from it. To ignore this would mean everything was for nothing. The greater part of my learning is to continue praying to God to change my heart to be less condemning and critical of others and for His ways to become my ways so I'll be better prepared next time something happens that I don't agree with. Sooner or later something will occur; it always does.
Life is full of challenges. I hope, even though I failed this time, that from it I will become a better person, with more patience, understanding and compassion. I will try my best to bloom when I am planted and to be what God wants me to be and do what God wants me to do. No matter how old we are, we're all still a work in progress, right?
Psalm 86:5 - For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee.
